Setting boundaries does not make you a terrible person. One thing I have learned as I have gotten older is learning how to say “No” and saying it often.
Saying “No” is a testament to enforced boundaries, and boundaries are what bring us peace.
It is how we protect the things that are important to us — our relationships, values, goals. And this brings about a sense of identity, sanity, and increased self-esteem. I call it the “no-effect”.
I am a recovering yes person, a retired people pleaser, lol.
The Backstory
In the past, my sense of accomplishment and self-worth was often derived from meeting the expectations and ideas of those around me.
I would say yes to requests I could not fulfill –mentally, emotionally, or financially – and agree to participate in activities I was not interested in.
Looking back, I believe I did this out of fear of missing out on opportunities or falling short of expectations.
This led to a cycle of wasted time and effort, overloaded work schedules, and continuous anxiety.
This became the reality of my life, and I was fed up with it!
My situation changed only when I understood I had limits, as we all do, and I began to respect those limits by setting boundaries.
It is essential to know that if we do not respect our boundaries by summoning the courage to enforce them when necessary, how can we expect others to respect them?
The journey from people pleasing to learning how to set healthy boundaries was challenging. I made numerous mistakes and often doubted my decisions. Nevertheless, with consistency and practice, this process became easier.
Setting Boundaries has made my schedule lighter. I feel healthier, less stressed, and, most importantly, centered and at peace with myself.
Here are 5 tips that helped me through this process;
5 Effective Ways to Start Setting Boundaries: Learn How To Say “No”
1. Think Before You Commit: PAUSE, THINK, DECIDE
If you struggle with setting boundaries, you are most likely a “yes” person.
This means you often say “yes” impulsively or feel emotionally pressured to commit without thoroughly considering your needs or what is being asked of you.
Scientific research on the dual-systems decision-making theory has found that the human decision-making process is governed by two opposing cognitive “systems.”
System 1 is the automatic and emotional part of our brain, and System 2 is the slow and deliberative part (Jiang, 2021).
When we are overwhelmed, stressed, or excited, we tend to rely more on system 2, which is our impulsive or emotional side. However, when we think through our decisions thoroughly, the logic aspect of our brain, system 1, is activated.
The act of setting boundaries requires overriding our impulsive or emotional decision-making habits and building healthier ones, activating system 1.
To help with that, you will need to learn how to pause, take a minute, consider the request, think logically about your capacity to meet those needs, then respond. Hence, it is important we think logically through every decision because choices are what make habits.
2. Be realistic:
I am an optimist.
And if you are anything like me, it is safe to say our toxic trait is taking an overly complex process or task and believing that it can be accomplished in less time.
It is ridiculous!
Be realistic in accessing what is being asked of you, and do not overestimate your capacity.
Remember, it is a lot easier to say “yes” after saying “no” than to say “no” after saying “yes”.
3. Battle Your Imposter Syndrome:
You might not want to hear this, but your inability to set boundaries might be linked to imposter syndrome.
Imposter syndrome is the fear often associated with the tendency to misattribute hard-won successes to external, random, undeserving factors.
This flows into our inability to set boundaries because we are looking to compensate for self-detracting thoughts by putting the needs of other’s ahead of our own.
This results in making decisions based on what others might think or want, not considering our own feelings/thoughts.
4. Change your mindset:
Setting boundaries does not make you a terrible person.
Society has attached a negative connotation to the act of setting boundaries and saying “No”.
Those who set boundaries are often considered selfish and apathetic, but that is not necessarily accurate.
This is because society perceives these boundaries as barriers, and when we enforce them, the feeling of rejection spurs the negative reaction we all experience.
Nevertheless, do not let this derail you. Remember that you are perfectly within your right to set boundaries and determine how you want to live your life.
5. Practice:
You’ve heard the saying before, but I am going to repeat it; “Practice makes perfect.”
Practice prioritizing your needs. Practice saying “No” and setting boundaries with minor things, then build up from there.
The psychology of starting small enables us to conquer our fears and build the confidence needed to achieve success by collecting small wins.
One of my all time favorite quotes is from the great philosopher and teacher Confucius which says “The man who moves a mountain begins by carrying away small stones”.
Practice saying “No” with minor things. For example, “No, this time does not work for me,” or “I am best available on this day instead.”
I am excited about your journey to setting healthier boundaries. I am certain this is going to be a life-changing experience for you. You are going to feel more confident, in charge and at peace with yourself.
I am curious to hear about your past experiences with setting boundaries. Did you experience any negative reactions?
Let me know your thoughts in the comment sections below!
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